Think Tank podcast

Title: Substance misuse

Presenter: Amy Hopkins, Clinical Writer and Liason

Amy Hopkins: There's a lot of shame associated with mental health and addiction issues, but we're all human. We all struggle and shame never helps anyone heal. Sharing our stories, our real selves is a powerful way to normalize the humanity in all of us and connect us. Our stories matter. Welcome to the Think Tank podcast.

Hi everyone, this is Amy Hopkins, your host. I'm here with a very special guest, Kristi Hann. Kristi is a registered nurse, has an Associate's Degree in Addictionology, a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology, and a Master's Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. Kristi is also my sister-in-Law, my best friend, and one of my favorite people in the world, and she's also here to share her story about addiction. Hey Kristi.

Kristi Hann: Hi. Thanks for having me.

Amy Hopkins: So I'm so glad you're here. I've told you more than once that you are truly an inspiration to me in all that you have done in your life and accomplished in your life. And when I asked you if you would come on the podcast and tell your story, you didn't even hesitate, you didn't pause, you didn't question. You have no shame about your story, and your story is powerful. So tell me why you were and are so willing to share the journey that you've been on and traveled with addiction?

Kristi Hann: Well, thank you for all those kind words and compliments. I think one of the biggest things for me as someone in recovery is I want people to understand and truly understand the nature of addiction and the person that's represented in that addiction. Oftentimes, all people will see are the behaviors of an addict. And sometimes in reality, those can be kind of negative and difficult, but underneath those behaviors is a person, a real live person who's hurting, who's very, very lost. It can be a mother, a father, a grandparent, a sibling, an aunt or an uncle, a teacher, somebody at the grocery store checkout line. They're people. And if we don't have an awareness of that, we fall prey to the stereotype of addiction. And that prevents a lot of growth and a lot of change for the person who is struggling.

So when you asked me to come onto this podcast and share story, I thought this is one more way that I can maybe help people understand that underneath addiction is a person and we cannot lose track of that person. It is the person first, the addiction comes next. And if we don't have some real understanding of that, it prevents people from seeking help and support because it's so stigmatized and stereotyped people don't seek treatment, they don't reach out, they don't share their struggles, and then the addiction grows and becomes even more problematic.

So if we can remove some of that stigma, if we can remove some of that stereotype and see the person, they may be more likely to seek help and support. The last statistic I looked at was 13% of people seek treatment for substance abuse. That's 13% of the 100% of people that are struggling with addiction. That's a significantly low number. And so that's a lot of people really, really struggling in addiction. And I think most of it comes from a fear of seeking help and seeking support for fear of judgment, the stereotype and the stigma that follows and the true judgment that comes along with it.

Amy Hopkins: And that is why I appreciate you telling your story because nobody would look at you and think, this is somebody who struggled with addiction. You are a professional in many areas of your life. You are a fulltime caregiver for your mom. You're a nurse, you're a teacher, you're a director at a rehab. You're all of these things, and you do not fit the stereotype of someone that the general public sees as an addict. But you were, and you traveled through that. And I guess what I want people to hear from you is the hope on the other side because your story is amazing. Your story is fantastic. So will you share a little bit about your history and your path in and through addiction?

Kristi Hann: Of course, I would be glad to. So I was a nurse in the earliest part of my career life in that my early, early twenties, I became a registered nurse and I was a mom with three young boys. And life was wonderful until it wasn't. Life was full of joy and happiness and peace until it wasn't. I had several surgeries as a result of an injury. And like a lot of people who struggle with opioid addiction, it starts with a prescription.

And because my injuries were significant enough, I was on a medication that is very addictive and you can become quite dependent on it easily, which is what happened with me. There was a dependency that started, but I also started to have some struggles in my own personal life. And I don't think I had the coping skills necessary to manage my recovery portion, which was my physical body pain, a difficult marriage, three children and a full-time job.

And so I found relief in narcotics, which are opioid painkillers. And because I was a nurse, I had a very good knowledge of how to obtain narcotics, how to talk to a doctor, and I fell prey to addiction very quickly. Really rapidly, within a year, things started to really deteriorate, fall apart. And it seems like once a snowball starts going downhill, it just continues to get bigger and bigger and bigger. And at no time did I feel like I could seek help because when you think of an addict, you think you have a stereotype in your mind, and that wasn't me. I was educated and I had a job and I was a mother and I had a beautiful home.

And so that didn't fit that criteria. And so I didn't know where to turn. I didn't know where to go. And because I had such challenges within my marriage, it just became my coping mechanism and it continued to be my coping mechanism until I began to get into significant trouble with the legal system.

And that took about two to three years to unravel my entire life. So within about a three-year period, my life went from what I identified as good and picture perfect to divorce, legal issues, and a surrender of my nursing license. And I had been a nurse by that time for almost 15 years. And so that's who I was. That's what I knew. I didn't have any other career back up. I didn't have any other knowledge. When you're a nurse and you go to school for nursing, that's really what you do. There's no other way to kind of maneuver through that. And so that's spiraled me into even a darker place. When you start to lose your identity, lose a marriage, have to go from having everything you thought to be your life really changed and crumbled. And eventually, I would say four years into my addiction with significant legal issues and a loss of my nursing career, I had to start putting the pieces back together.

And I did go to treatment three occasions, I went to treatment, but I really think I got stuck in the idea that I am different than addicts. I'm different than they are. I don't fit that mold. And really, I was just an addict. I am an addict, and that's okay. There's nothing to be ashamed about. There's nothing to hide from. And it's when I really accepted that reality that I am an addict to opioids and that I've lost many things in my life and it's time for me to start rebuilding. That's exactly what I started to do. Now, I do want you to know I have wonderful parents that supported me, and my children were wonderful, and so I did have a lot of support when it finally came out. You can only hide addiction for so long. It does come out when your name goes in the newspaper, people are going to find out that you have a problem.

And that was actually really freeing for me because the minute everybody knew, the gig was up, I had to get help. I had to face my demons, and I had to face them head on. Slowly but surely, in 2004, October 11th, 2004 is my sober date. I started crawling out of the hole that I had dug myself into. I finally successfully completed treatment. I started managing my legal issues one day at a time. I went back to college. I've always been an avid learner, and I feel like if I can't nurse right now, I need to find something to support my family. And I started studying addiction. I wanted to understand why I fell prey to this. I wanted to understand why I couldn't outsmart addiction. I wanted to understand this process that just about destroyed my life. And so I went to school and I started studying addictionology, and I started to find hope in that because I thought this disease destroyed my life in just about three years, maybe a little more.

And I had heard stories of people being in addiction for 20 years, alcoholism for 30 years, and I knew the hell that I lived in for my three years. And I thought to myself, I have to be able to do something to help, or I have to be able to be a beacon of hope for other people. So I just continued on my path and on my journey, and I've been sober since that day in October 11th, 2004, and first accomplished my addictionology degree. Then I went on to get my psychology degree, which allowed me to practice as a certified addiction practitioner in the state of Wyoming. I began working at a treatment facility to which I went and got sober in. I went to treatment at Wyoming Recovery in Casper, Wyoming. And then many, many years later, I started working there. And I started working there in 2008.

And then I went on to get my master's. And then in 2016, I became their clinical director. And I've been their clinical director ever since. I got my nursing license back in 2018. Had to do a lot of work to do that, and a lot of people ask me why I went back to get my nursing license. And part of it was I didn't want to leave that part of my journey in my life susceptible to the effects of addiction. I wanted to close that circle up. I didn't know if I'd ever practice nursing again. I didn't want addiction to touch anything in a negative way. I wanted it to turn into positivity. So I did go ahead and get my nursing license back, and I still practice nursing. I do that once a week to keep my skills up. In the last year, I started actually teaching addictionology at the school I graduated from.

So it seems like I keep going back to the places that served me so that I can serve them. So I teach, I direct, and I nurse, and I feel like that's my opportunity to maybe change the nature of what people see addiction to be. I was just a mom, and a nurse, and a wife, and a daughter and a friend. And if I can become addicted, anybody can, I want people to see the person, not the addiction, because the minute we stop looking at the person, we lose sight of them, and then they no longer matter and that can't happen.

So my journey was just to find my way out and then give some hope, and I hope that that's kind of what I'm doing. I did get remarried and I have a wonderful, wonderful husband of 18 years and grandchildren, and my life is full and my life is wonderful, and I get to give back even to my mother who supported me through my addiction, I get to support her now that she's disabled from a stroke. So I think I've got to turn around and look at my life from the dark side and give back, put some light into those areas.

Amy Hopkins: I think that your story is really powerful and that you don't hide from it. And I think one of the most proud moments I had for you was when you did go back to get your nursing degree and work on getting that back. Because I think that, that, again, it's the story through the addiction. You didn't lose those skills as a nurse when you became addicted. You're still a nurse. You still had all of that knowledge. You just weren't able to practice because of your addiction, but you went back because it was important to you. And I just think you're a miraculous person. And I love your honesty because I do think we get lost in the shame of what we struggle with. And the fact that you're so open about it, you're so honest about it, you give back to the places that helped you through it, I think is a really powerful way to be. And I'm just lucky to know you.

So Kristi, what would you tell someone who was going through struggling with addiction, whether that's with prescriptions or that's with alcohol, or if that's with an illegal substance, what would you tell them?

Kristi Hann: Well, I think the most important thing I would say is you're definitely not alone. When you are in the depths of addiction, there's such a tremendous isolation. There is a process. You use the word shame, that is the best descriptive word that you could have used because there's nothing about addiction that isn't guilt and shame-based. And so we try, as addicts, I can speak for myself specifically in those that I treat, we work very hard to hide the wrong that we're doing, and the shame builds and then we use again over the shame. And it's just like this perpetual cycle that doesn't end until we realize that we are not alone, that there are many people struggling. And there are many ways to obtain support and help. And I think the first thing I would say is if you question that you are struggling with any type of addiction, if you feel like you're starting to maybe drink too much or too consistently, or you're using your prescriptions inaccurately or your recreational use is becoming more frequent, or you're starting to have some struggles in your life, interpersonal challenges with work or your marriage, because of some of these things, it's time to maybe realize change might be necessary.

And that's a really big scary thing for people. I remember when I was thinking about how do I get out of this situation? Who do I call? What do I do? Well, I was a nurse and I can't call my boss and say, "I'm addicted to opioids." So I was stuck in this trap of using and hiding because I didn't want to lose my job. Well, ultimately I lost it all anyway. So sometimes we have to really take that big step and find that one person or that one system that we can go to that says, "I'm struggling. I need some help." One of the things I would recommend are there are local support groups everywhere. The very familiar ones are AA and NA, but there's so many other, there's Smart Recovery, there's Secular SOS, there's support groups everywhere. Within churches there's support groups. So that's always a big option. And those are very, very helpful and supportive. Those are like-minded people struggling with the same things, and they can really provide you with some support.

If that doesn't feel right to you, reach out to a mental health organization near you. I work at Wyoming Recovery in Casper, Wyoming, and we get calls every day that say, "I think I need help. I might need help. I'm really struggling." And maybe just start basically with counseling, individual counseling, talk to somebody to see if you can understand what's happening and maybe begin the process of change. The first thing I would say is look for and seek out support. And that's a very, very, very scary thing. I can tell you. It's scary. It's scary of loss of job, of loss of children, mothers, women are very fearful to lose their children if they struggle with addiction, loss of a marriage. They're so scared to leave that for fear of losing those things.

And what I would say is reaching out for help is what's going to save those things. And so seeking support either through the community resources like 12 step support groups or other support groups, or find a local mental health or substance abuse organization, they have to keep your information confidential. They cannot call and tell anybody you're struggling. It's your secret with you and that clinician until your ready to share your version of your story. Because secrets do keep us sick. So at some point, you have to be able to communicate and seek that out. That's one thing I learned in the first two attempts I failed at treatment. I didn't want anybody to know. I hid it so deeply inside and no one knew, and I couldn't get well that way. I just couldn't, because I was living two lives, but I did it when I was finally ready, and you can too. So I think that's what I would say is, know, you're not alone. There are people out there. There are hundreds and thousands of people that are available to help you. It's just taking that very, very first step.

Amy Hopkins: So take the first step. Let go of the shame, the guilt, and know that there are places and people that are here to help you. And as a family member of people who have struggled with addiction, what I would say is we are so grateful and so happy when you finally decide to get help, when you finally decide to repair your life, because we love you so much, and all we want is to see you well.

So know that when you do own up to what you're struggling with, again, whether that's addiction or depression or anything, when you own up and you release that secret, you release that angst that you're carrying. There's so much through it. There's so much better days ahead when you allow yourself to heal and allow others to help you heal. Kristi, thank you so much for sharing your story, for being open and honest and being a part of my life and now everybody's life that gets to hear your story. Thank you.

Kristi Hann: It was my honor. Thank you very much.

Amy Hopkins: There's power in sharing your story, owning your humanity, talking about your struggles and what you've done and are doing to become a better person, a healthier person. I hope if you are struggling with anything, especially addiction, that you'll gain strength from Kristi's story. Reach out for help, talk to your doctor, seek counseling and treatment, or connect with your employee assistance program or a local support group. You are worth it. Your story matters. Thanks for joining me today, and I'll see you next time on the Think Tank podcast.

Disclaimer The Think Tank Podcast is brought to you by Resources for Living and developed by the Think Tank podcast team and features, Amy Hopkins, Brigg Dunsmore, Angela Bell, Leslie Zacharia, and Emily Lachemy and Narcisso Bowman. If you need support managing life's issues, know their self available. Check with your human resources to learn more about benefits that can support your mental wellbeing. And remember, if you are in a mental health crisis, please call or text 988 to connect with the Crisis Lifeline.